An editorial from Boba Fett

Think the Life of an Intergalactic Bounty Hunter is all Glitz and Glam? I promise you it is not.

by Boba Fett



First of all, I know what you’re all thinking: ‘isn’t this guy dead?’ I get that all the time. Obviously I am very much alive.

Most of you numb-nuts’ saw me fall in the Sarlaac pit and presumed I died there, but if any of you idiots ever read a little book called “Tales from Jabba’s Palace,” you would know that I escaped and eventually nursed myself back to health. It is one of the most horrific events of my life and I don’t like to think about it, much less talk about it.

My life was screwed from the start. Some jedi butthole cut my dad’s frickin’ head off when I was young. It was all very traumatic.

I still wear his old helmet, you know, and I’ll spare you the truely gruesome details of getting my old man’s decapitated head out of it. All I’ll say is that it took a long time and it still smells terrible.

So here I am; no money, no job and nobody cares. I wanted to be an accountant and mind my own business, maybe get married someday. Well, I didn’t have any money for school or for dates, so it was bounty hunting or starve.

Everyone thinks bounty hunters are rich, well maybe ‘Dog the Bounty Hunter,’ has some cash from his TV show, but I am broke as a joke. I'm livin’ paycheck to paycheck if you can call that livin’ at all.

Everybody loves the jet pack. Oh, they think it's so cool and what fun I must be having. The thing sucks, alright. There is a learning curve that takes time to get used to, I'm talking years. The jet fuel for the pack isn't the same kind everyone uses to fuel their ships. It's hard to find and it's as expensive as all hell. They should rename it 'the Death Pack,' for all the times I've crashed the thing. The fuel gauge on the pack is not accurate and when I'm chasing a bounty I'll run out of fuel and literally fall out of the sky!

I got a landlord up my ass every day of the week. Work is staggered at best. I get a per diem to go find these bounties, but it always runs out before the job is done. So before I even get paid, I’m in the hole. Bills need to get paid and all my credit is maxed.

I paid $400 credits for a work at home plan where I was stuffing envelopes and putting ads in the newspaper. The guy on TV said how easy it was and that he made millions, but it ended up just being a pyramid scam.

My diet is terrible; I’m on the road all the time and have to eat whatever crap is at the spacemart. When you get really hungry you’ll eat all kinds a high fructose corn syrup and bad carbs and all that. I won’t take all my armor off now because I’m afraid I won’t be able to get it back on I’m such a fat-ass.

My self confidence is really low and I don’t do well when I approach women. On top of that, who wants to date a bounty hunter that is gone all the time and poor?

All you guys see is the Glitz and Glamour of this lifestyle, but you wanna know why I hung around Jabba’s place for so long after I delivered Solo to him? It was because I got evicted! That's right, I got evicted from my nasty, hole in the wall of an apartment! I had nowhere to go; nowhere. Not very glamorous, is it?

I gotta get it together, maybe go on vacation and clear my mind. That's just the tip of the iceberg, I see a therapist twice a week. 

It's not at all glamorous, my life is a wreck.